When will it get easier?

It's been 21 months since we lost Shaun and I'm afraid to hit the 2 year mark. Then everything will start to be in years versus months. It seems like such a long time. We just passed Shaun and Julia's 2nd year Wedding Anniversary. How I wish we could have all celebrated with them. I still have the top of their Wedding cake in my freezer. What can I do with it? It hurts to see it when I open the freezer but I can't throw it out. His birthday is September 8th and I'm dreading that day. Will I even get out of bed this year? And his room.....I still haven't touched his room. His bed is still the way he left it, I didn't even make it. And his jeans are still drapped over his bed. I have half bottles of cologne, deordorant, mouthwash, shaving cream etc.....

When will I quit saying "Did this really happen to our family"? "Why, would something like this happen"? When will it be easier to go back to Church? Why would God take him away from us? Was it really part of the plan or an accident?

I miss Shaun so much and I'm afraid I will forget his smile.

On Sunday, the 24th of May, it was 18 months since we lost Shaun. It seems like such a long time since I saw his smile or heard him walk across the floor. God, I wish he would come home. We all miss him so much. Yesterday, we planted one of his favorite trees.....a Star Magnolia. He wanted us to plant one before he died and we didn't think it would grow in Wisconsin. I wish we would have tried. Why can't this be a bad dream?

Jordan (Shaun's brother) graduates from High School on Sunday and I know he's going to wish Shaun could be here.

Today, we are saying good-bye to Shaun's dog Ice. She developed kidney disease and we need to put her down. It's so sad to lose his dog. Here she comes Shaun. I'm so sorry I couldn't keep her

Reaching out

There have been several young people......children, who have recenty died in our community and my heart just breaks for them. I know the pain you feel and will carry in your heart forever. The road you are stumbling down is rocky and lonely. Grief is a personal journey and we all take a little different path. Even if you have great friends who support you such as I do, there is still alot you go through on your own. Partly because they can't be with you 24/7 and the loss is always there. Your friends want to feel that you are doing okay. They are looking for confirmation that you are moving forward......and that generally takes along time. The process takes years.....forever.....therefore, it becomes lonely. There are many days I felt like giving up. But I love my family on this side and they needed to see that I was getting back to a somewhat normal routine. So, I go to bed at night and pray for a visit from Shaun and hope the next day will be easier. When I do sleep and the next day arrives, I'm reminded I must face another day without him....so the circle continues. I have looked every where for a turn around but there isn't one. I want my old life back, it was pretty good....even better than I thought. Those precious times slipped away before my eyes. Just one more trip to Starbucks, one more walk, a ski run....one of his great smiles and witty responses. My dreams of watching Shaun fulfill his dreams are shattered. If God could only give me just one more day, I could do and say all the things I never got a chance to. Everyone tells me to hold on to the memories, think of the time you had together. The memories are too painful and only remind us of what we lost. Maybe someday the memories will bring us joy, I think it's when we finally give up on the fact that they aren't coming home. I'm reaching out to give all of you a big hug. I share your pain everyday. I hope someday we all look back and read this blog and notice that we have started to heal and just maybe we can find joy in life again.

Please post any comments you have or share something about your loved one.

February 7, 2009

Love from Heaven

We all dream and pray for a message from Heaven and many of us do experience them. If you have received a sign from your loved one whether in the form of a dream or presence, please share your experience.

Welcome to my site and thanks for visiting. If you have comments on products or would like to see something added, please post. The items I have chosen are products that brought me a little comfort during my loss.

If you are experiencing a loss and would like to post something that has helped throughout your grief, please do so.

My Journey

This past year has been the most difficult time of my life. And at this point, it's still not getting any easier. I pray every day that my heart will heal and the joy of life will return. I'm a different person than I was a year ago and I will never return to the person I once was. My life was good, actually better than I thought. Now, I would give anything to have just one of those days back. I wish I could have said good-bye.....I've learned this is called unfinished business. I have read several books just trying to find answers, anything to help me understand. My grief journey has led me down many paths. I have questioned my religion and tapped into spirituality. I feel like I have been on a journey to find my Son.....and I'm still on the path. I pray that he will come to me and tell me he's happy. As a parent, you just need to know your child is okay. My faith tells me he's in a good place but I miss the physical connection so much. No hugs, no smiles, no phone calls......nothing. I'm hoping this blog is a place for others to post their comments and together we can help each other heal.